I’m Darren, 45 and currently live in Dover, Kent. I work for the Forward Trust as Inclusion Co-ordinator, helping those within the LGBTQ+ community get the dedicated support they need for substance use issues.
I first engaged with Forward Trust in 2018. For decades I had been drinking excessively daily and regularly using drugs. In the lead up to my 40th birthday, I knew I had to change. My mental and physical health were at breaking point. Through various engagement processes, Forward Trust supported me to become drink and drug free. One of those interventions was a day rehab programme. This was an intense, 13-week programme which followed many residential rehabs but you just go to your own bed at the end of the day. Whilst there, I started to explore the shame and guilt I had around my sexuality as a gay man. I would say 95% of my poor mental health came from my inability to accept my identity as a gay men. I had never been comfortable with it, but on the day programme surrounded by 10 strangers who accepted me for who I was, I needed to find out why I couldn’t accept myself.
Over the course of the past five years, I have worked hard to understand why I am the way I am. I have therapy every week which is really tough at times but is helping me to understand myself and therefore giving me the ability to work on myself. For example, I seek constant validation from people I respect and love and I constantly fear abandonment and that I’ve annoyed people – perhaps stemming from an overly strict and chaotic childhood. Also, I grow attached very quickly to anyone that shows me a bit of affection – and I don’t mean romantically. Any person that is kind, genuine and goes out of their way to help me, I grab hold of and don’t want to let go. This can have the opposite effect and I end up pushing these people, who mean so much to me, away. Again, results of feeling unloved and unwanted in childhood and hiding who I was. These are things I know I can work on but it is tough.
Christmas just gone was probably the toughest one I’ve had – including those when I was drinking and using. Not because I wanted to drink or use, but because I’ve never felt so lonely and isolated. I didn’t speak with anyone except my mum over the course of a week. I didn’t see anyone at all, except the staff in my local M&S. It was really tough. Mentally, it was one of my lowest episodes in almost five years of recovery. Everyone I know has partners/kids/commitments which is tough when you want to plan a day/night out. Or even if you just need someone at the end of the phone to talk to. I am constantly in fear of disturbing people so I don’t make that phone call and isolate, which is one of the worse things you can do. However, I didn’t pick up a drink or use drugs – in fact I never even thought about it as an option so there is huge progress there. Pulling myself out of the dark hole I found myself in will take a good few weeks, but I’ll get out of it sober and will celebrate my 5th year of sobriety on February 18th.
Unless you have experienced severe mental health issues, it is difficult to understand what people are going through. It is also very easy to fob someone’s low mood off and not recognise the impact it is having on that person’s life. I often struggle to explain my thoughts and emotions because I don’t understand them myself. I am often absolutely fine one moment, and then a wave of depression or anxiety comes out of nowhere. Sometimes this can be because someone has interacted with me slightly differently sending me into overthinking, sometimes it can be because someone hasn’t replied to my text which sends my anxiety through the roof fearing that I’ve done something wrong. Other times, I don’t even know why these waves come over me. Sometimes, I find myself in a black hole not knowing which way is up and I have no idea why.
I’m currently single – I have been all my life, 45 years. I think this takes a toll on my mental health as well. Wondering if I am not good enough, if I am unlovable, if I am destined to be alone forever. I explain to people that it is tough being on your own but I don’t think people get how tough it really is. Having never been in a relationship, never heard anyone say those words we all crave “I love you.” Always going home to an empty house. Eating every night on your own. Going to bed every night on your own. Having so much to say but no one to say it to. Friends often say “I’d love a night on my own”, “I’d love to go on holiday on my own” etc. and I get that, I really do. We always want what we don’t have, but I don’t think anyone truly understands the deep loneliness a silent house, solo dinners, cinema trips, holidays takes on your mental health. Most days I wear a mask and feign happiness. Even when I’m out having a really good time with friends, at the back of my mind I am always fully aware I am going back home to be by myself and this is really hard. I would say at least three nights a week I have tears of sadness about my lack of companionship. As we all are, I guess, I‘m always wanting more. Always.
What I am trying to say, in a very long-winded way, is that whilst life has certainly improved from those days of rough sleeping, drinking and using all day and getting to the lowest point a human can get to, attempting suicide, life is still tough – and that goes for everyone. You might see your colleague, your friend, your family members with a big smile on their face but do you truly know what’s going on underneath? When was the last time you checked in with them? When was the last time you asked how they are actually doing? Reassurance, kindly check-ins and a bit of understanding can go a long way to someone experiencing mental health issues…..especially if they are trying to work on themselves.
Substance use issues can be very isolating, we know that. But recovery from addiction and/or mental health can be just as isolating – whether you’re on your own or surrounded by family. We all need to talk more, but we sometimes need to be given the platform to speak from. Sometimes, we need a push. People with mental health issues can feel like a burden but given the opportunity and right support – it can be life-changing. Send that text – it takes less than 60 seconds to type and send, pick up the phone, arrange a coffee/swim/run/cinema trip – it might be a small thing to you but it could be a huge thing for someone else.
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